I am trying so hard to not doubt…

I have had a lot of faith in the many years that I have been alive. I believe in many things. I believe in things that I cannot see. I know a lot of things and a lot of those things, I cannot see. Lately, I have been worried about my faith. I have struggled with so many things that it has caused a lot of doubt. When I feel those doubts coming on, I try and turn my thoughts to those things that I know are true. I know that the blessings given  to us through the priesthood are powerful and special are gifts from our Heavenly Father. I know this but lately I have had a lot of doubt enter my mind. So, I quickly turn to those powerful experiences that I have had or that I have been told about.

The first one is the miracle of my birth. I was a very sick newborn with only a few hours on this earth when I received my first priesthood blessing which commanded me to stay on this earth and I was blessed that I had many missions to accomplish.

The second one happened when I was seven years old. I went to sleep one night and didn’t wake up the next morning. I was in a coma and remained that way for some time. I was given a powerful blessing. During that blessing, I awoke, sat up in bed, told my parents that I loved them but that it was my time to die. As the Stake President returned his hands to the top of my head, he pleaded with the Lord and commanded me to stay because I had many missions to accomplish.

In August of this year, I received a powerful gift from our Heavenly Father through the power of the priesthood. I was given life. I had cancer taken from my body and I was given life. Through a powerful priesthood blessing, I was told that this gift was given to me by our Heavenly Father because I had much still to accomplish and that my time on earth was not over. As I think of these three incredible experiences, I do not have any doubt but when I think of some of the priesthood blessings that have not came to pass, my heart is filled with doubt.

The first doubt is the doubt of three priesthood blessings that were given to me at the beginning of three consecutive callings in the church. In each blessing, I was given a certain promise. If I served diligently and with all my heart, I would be given a special blessing and that this promise would take me from the calling that I was serving in. I first served as a ward young women’s president. I was released and immediately (on the same day) I was called to serve as the second counselor in the Stake YW Presidency. Following the releasing of that calling (on the same day), I was called to serve as the Stake YW President. I knew that each time as I heard that same phrase in my blessing, I knew that it would be delivered. I never doubted it. I worked hard and served with all of my heart. I was promised it and I knew that it would come to pass. I was released from serving as Stake YW President at the beginning of August and the blessing that been given to me did not come to pass. My faith doubts but as I have tried to work through it, I have to go back to those three special blessings given to me that commanded me to stay upon this earth.

I am trying so hard not to doubt.

So…my sweet mom has been in and out of the hospital since June 25^th. She had a hip replacement on that day. On July 20^th, she had emergency surgery due to an infection. They took out the components of the hip and replaced them. She went through a 42-day IV treatment. On September 12^th, she went back into surgery due to a staph infection and the hip replacement was taken out. It was replaced with an antibiotic spacer. She stayed in the hospital for 30 days and received antibiotics. We brought her home a week and half ago and she went for surgery again today to receive her new hip. She had a powerful blessing on Monday that promised her that the surgery would be successful and that she would be healed. She was promised that all would go well. As they opened her up today, they found infection in her hip joint and another antibiotic spacer was placed in her hip. She did not receive a new hip but instead he is fighting another infection. I know that through our faith she will be healed. As we heard the news today, our hearts were broken. She has gone through so much since June—we all have gone through so much.

I had all the faith that I could muster in the words that were spoken and the feelings that were felt the night of her blessing. I knew that everything was going to be ok and that we were going be on the road to recovery. I knew it.  I knew that the surgery would be successful.  I just knew it.   When the doctor shared with us the news of what went on in surgery, I received heaviness in my heart and tears filled my eyes.  I looked at my dad and I saw so much sadness.  We have been praying so hard. 

My faith is struggling. Why are we promised so many things but they don’t come to pass…especially when they are so specific? My heart and soul is heavy. I feel lost and empty. 

I am trying so hard not to doubt.

~Michelle