Numbness

Often on Sunday mornings, I turn my radio to FM100 and listen to the “Sounds of Sunday”.  This morning, wasn’t any different.  As I was pondering what type of emotions this day would bring, I was hoping to feel some type of peace and comfort.  For the past week, I have been in state of numbness for many different reasons. 

On Thursday of this week, I felt my life shatter into a million pieces, I struggled to find every little piece and place it in the proper place to build my life and put it back together.  It started with a phone call from my pathologist letting me know that my biopsy had once again showed malignancy characteristics and it was being sent once again to another specialist in Salt Lake City.  This has been the second time that this has happened in the past 4 weeks.  This whole adventure started three days before camp when I had my first biopsy taken.  As I waited through the week drawing from the Spirit of our Heavenly Father and some very cherished friends, I was gaining the courage to trust in the Lord-even more than I have ever before.  His love and comfort carried me through a week of emotional ups and downs.  Upon arriving home, I received the news that the biopsy  was being sent to specialist.  After receiving news from that specialist, another slice of the biopsy was being sent for re-evaluation to confirm what they had found.  On Thursday, I received news again that it was once going to another specialist.  As my life waits for the adventure to begin or to end, my heart continues to ache.  My life feels like it is shattering into a million pieces and I do not have any control whatsoever.

Let me continue on with the day and share what happened.  After work, I visited with our Stake President where he extended a releasing to me as our Stake Young Women’s President.  My heart felt like it was going to burst.  My mind became foggy as I contemplated what my life will be like not serving in this capacity.  My soul ached. As those pieces of my life shattered into a million different pieces earlier in the day-those pieces were now shattering into a zillion different pieces. I loved my calling and all that it brought into my life.  It taught me to trust in the Lord.  It taught me to constantly have the Spirit in my life. It taught me to act on promptings.  It taught me to love and to nurture.  It taught me so many wonderful things because I served diligently and lovingly.

Now, today…as I try to glue all those zillion pieces back together, I start to lose faith.  Faith in all that I believe in, faith that miracles happen and faith in those things that I so easily trusted.  As I was contemplating on all of these things, I reached to turn off my radio.  As I did, I heard Elder Holland’s voice and this is what he said, “When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by saying how much you do not have, leading as it were with your “unbelief.” That is like trying to stuff a turkey through the beak! Let me be clear on this point: I am not asking you to pretend to have faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have. Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not! So let us all remember the clear message of this scriptural account: Be as candid about your questions as you need to be; life is full of them on one subject or another. But if you and your family want to be healed, don’t let those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle.”

I turned off my radio and began this very day in August where my heart and soul are numb…

Tonight, I will start with the faith that I have and hope that this numbness will soon go away.

~Michelle